Pondering on blogging...and what constitutes bullying?

It’s been months since I wrote my first and only blog post and if I’m honest with myself, it wasn’t much of a blog post. I’ve been reading quite a few blogs during these past few months and I must say I am impressed with bloggers generally and specifically. They give up hours each week to share their thoughts and ideas, usually without any notion of gain other than to entertain others, offer support to others and empathise with others. They offer insights and observations and have that knack, (it’s quite a talent actually) of turning the trivial and inconsequential into something interesting, or in the case of serious subjects, highlighting important topics and issues. I could wile away many hours in the day (if I didn’t have to work) reading and commenting on a range of blogs.

In terms of my own blog-journey, I don’t know if I’ll keep on blogging myself, not sure I have anything original or particularly illuminating to say, but I do like connecting with people – these cyber-world strangers - who I can see aren’t such strangers when you’re reading their words regularly - identifying with them and when time permits, writing comments on their posts. This engagement creates another dimension to life – a sort of holistic connectedness to the wider community. Besides, it’s fun!

I know it’s a rash and rather pathetic admission but I don’t actually know how to embed a picture into a blog (realise it is Technology 101 and alas, I am an old-school kind of an English teacher). I don’t envisage much success in the blog-world and it sounds defeatist I know, but as I am okay with words, I’ll stick to these for the moment.

I intended to write about my teenage daughter (nickname - Poppet) in a flippant kind of vein, but for the moment I want to write about something more serious, something I’ve encountered as a teacher (and parent) – bullying.

Bullying

Like all parents of teenagers, I live with how hard it is to actually be a teenager. I think it’s always been hard - fraught with insecurity - attempting to fit in, yet wanting to be an individual - all the time trying to work out who you are.

And I know bullying is talked about a lot, it's almost a kind of buzz-word that everyone knows is bad, and a traditional and current problem for kids, teenagers (and by association parents and teachers). Bullying can take many forms. There is the overt, in-your-face taunts in the playground, name-calling and blatant verbal abuse that make the victim run and hide in the toilets, or take refuge in the Library, where you hope no one will notice you pretending to work on the computer or alone in amongst the shelves, waiting for the bell. This type of bullying seems easier to spot, and deceptively easier to control: Someone tells the teacher, the teacher rounds up the bully, punishes the bully and makes her/him apologise to the victim, comforts the victim. End of story. Not.

But we all know bullying can be less physical, more subtle…just as painful. The text or post that makes someone feel bad, such as the text that says the teenager’s new hairstyle is “ewww”…just a simple “ewww” can wreck her life for a day or two. And there’s the ambiguous comment suggesting to a not so confident teenager that she shouldn’t have worn that skirt because she’s “just not skinny enough”. Sub-text – You’re fat, you’re ugly, not good enough.

Now some might argue that comments like these aren’t really bullying at all, they’re just nasty, thoughtless opinions. It’s true they are nasty and thoughtless and they do really say more about the person who delivers them, than the victim. I think if the individual thought about how much her/his words would impact on the recipient, perhaps they might think before delivering such throwaway comments. But this gives them the benefit of the doubt, when we all know sometimes there is a deliberate intention to wound; this is the goal. The experience of a friend’s very tall fourteen year old daughter springs to mind. It was said by a boy at a disco, who walked past her and said with a glance, “You’re not just tall, you’re freakishly tall!” If the boy knew just how devastated the girl felt – not just at the disco but later when she cried into her pillow – I doubt he would have said it. Some things, although they might be true, are better left unsaid.

I recall vividly the misery of a student in term one in Year 7 - a little chubby and not particularly pretty or bright but a sweet-natured girl, brimming with enthusiasm at being in High School. Before the first month was over she was being called “fat”, “ugly” and “dumb”.  As a teacher of course I acted on this - disciplined the perpetrators, counselled the girl, but nothing I said or did could erase the wretchedness and loss of innocence that this casually inflicted unkindness created.

I think all of our mothers and grandmothers have uttered that truism – “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” – at one time or other. But perhaps we humans aren’t perfect, at times we all have the capacity for thoughtlessness, envy, unkindness. Perhaps it is acting on these negative traits that creates bullies...

I think bullying is when there is an unequal level of power amongst individuals and that any sustained nastiness levelled at a child (or adult) constitutes bullying...anything that erodes and undermines the confidence of someone else is a form of bullying. Or is it? We want our children to be strong and resilient individuals, able to withstand criticism, but as parents when they’re sad, we suffer with them.

I was going to write about my daughter’s exclusion from a party but I think I’ve already written to much in this blog…perhaps I will do it next time J

What are your thoughts on bullying? Has your child/children been on the receiving end of any negative words or actions?

Lee-Anne