It’s been months since I wrote my first and
only blog post and if I’m honest with myself, it wasn’t much of a blog post. I’ve
been reading quite a few blogs during these past few months and I must say I am
impressed with bloggers generally and specifically. They give up hours each
week to share their thoughts and ideas, usually without any notion of gain
other than to entertain others, offer support to others and empathise with
others. They offer insights and observations and have that knack, (it’s quite a
talent actually) of turning the trivial and inconsequential into something interesting,
or in the case of serious subjects, highlighting important topics and issues. I
could wile away many hours in the day (if I didn’t have to work) reading and
commenting on a range of blogs.
In terms of my own blog-journey, I don’t know
if I’ll keep on blogging myself, not sure I have anything original or particularly
illuminating to say, but I do like connecting with people – these cyber-world strangers
- who I can see aren’t such strangers when you’re reading their words regularly
- identifying with them and when time permits, writing comments on their posts.
This engagement creates another dimension to life – a sort of holistic
connectedness to the wider community. Besides, it’s fun!
I know it’s a rash and rather pathetic admission but I don’t actually know
how to embed a picture into a blog (realise it is Technology 101 and alas, I am an old-school kind of an English teacher). I don’t
envisage much success in the blog-world and it sounds defeatist I know, but as I am
okay with words, I’ll stick to these for the moment.
I intended to write about my teenage daughter
(nickname - Poppet) in a flippant kind of vein, but for the moment I want to
write about something more serious, something I’ve encountered as a teacher (and
parent) – bullying.
Bullying
Like all parents of teenagers, I live with how hard it is to actually be a teenager. I think it’s always
been hard - fraught with insecurity - attempting to fit in, yet wanting to be
an individual - all the time trying to work out who you are.
And I know bullying is
talked about a lot, it's almost a kind of buzz-word that everyone knows is bad, and a traditional and current problem for kids, teenagers (and by association parents and teachers). Bullying can take many forms. There is the overt, in-your-face
taunts in the playground, name-calling and blatant verbal abuse that make the
victim run and hide in the toilets, or take refuge in the Library, where you
hope no one will notice you pretending to work on the computer or alone in
amongst the shelves, waiting for the bell. This type of bullying seems easier
to spot, and deceptively easier to control: Someone tells the teacher, the
teacher rounds up the bully, punishes the bully and makes her/him apologise to
the victim, comforts the victim. End of story. Not.
But we all
know bullying can be less physical, more subtle…just as painful. The text or post
that makes someone feel bad, such as the text that says the teenager’s new
hairstyle is “ewww”…just a simple “ewww” can wreck her life for a day or two.
And there’s the ambiguous comment suggesting to a not so confident teenager
that she shouldn’t have worn that skirt because she’s “just not skinny enough”.
Sub-text – You’re fat, you’re ugly, not good enough.
Now some
might argue that comments like these aren’t really bullying at all, they’re
just nasty, thoughtless opinions. It’s true they are nasty and thoughtless and they
do really say more about the person who delivers them, than the victim. I think
if the individual thought about how much her/his words would impact on the
recipient, perhaps they might think before delivering such throwaway comments.
But this gives them the benefit of the doubt, when we all know sometimes there
is a deliberate intention to wound; this is the goal. The experience of a
friend’s very tall fourteen year old daughter springs to mind. It was said by
a boy at a disco, who walked past her and said with a glance, “You’re not just
tall, you’re freakishly tall!” If the boy knew just how devastated the girl
felt – not just at the disco but later when she cried into her pillow – I doubt
he would have said it. Some things, although they might be true, are better
left unsaid.
I recall vividly
the misery of a student in term one in Year 7 - a little chubby and not
particularly pretty or bright but a sweet-natured girl, brimming with
enthusiasm at being in High School. Before the first month was over she was
being called “fat”, “ugly” and “dumb”. As
a teacher of course I acted on this - disciplined the perpetrators, counselled the
girl, but nothing I said or did could erase the wretchedness and loss of innocence that this casually inflicted unkindness created.
I think all
of our mothers and grandmothers have uttered that truism – “If you can’t say
anything nice, don’t say anything at all” – at one time or other. But perhaps
we humans aren’t perfect, at times we all have the capacity for thoughtlessness,
envy, unkindness. Perhaps it is acting on these negative traits that creates bullies...
I think bullying is when there is an unequal level of power amongst individuals and that any sustained nastiness levelled at a child (or adult) constitutes bullying...anything that
erodes and undermines the confidence of someone else is a form of bullying. Or is it? We
want our children to be strong and resilient individuals, able to withstand
criticism, but as parents when they’re sad, we suffer with them.
I was going
to write about my daughter’s exclusion from a party but I think I’ve already
written to much in this blog…perhaps I will do it next time J
What are
your thoughts on bullying? Has your child/children been on the receiving end of any
negative words or actions?
Lee-Anne
